Petra's Diary
by hugoGrant
Summary: Anachronistic drabbles from the universe of "The Biography" All are from Petra's POV. M rating for language (appears later on). Levi X Petra.
1. Squad Levi

5/19/846

Dear diary,

I have already written about how great it is that I made it into squad Levi. But, since then, much has happened - even in four days.

The first morning was odd because of how new an experience the squad was. I woke up before everybody else - which was nothing new, and decided to make tea - Captain Levi seemed to like my tea. As I finished, Captain Levi came down. He asked me for a cup. I gave one and we sat at the table. Normally, I'd have something to do, but this morning I was left with my thoughts. Captain also looked lost in thought. I couldn't help but look over occasionally and think about how I was sitting next to humanity's greatest soldier as he sipped my tea. He could've been anybody - my father reading the newspaper or just anybody. I noticed his gaze on me a few minutes later. "Anything wrong, Captain?"

"Just thinking of the long distance scouting formation." He did pause before that, but what else would he think of, the color of my hair?

The rest of the day was normal - training, training and more training. I realized how inexperienced I was. But the training was fine and I didn't really fall behind. I got to recognise everybody, which wasn't much, because there were only the five of us. Erd is the tall blonde, Gunther is a little shorter and has dark hair, then there's Auro who is much shorter and older, Captain Levi and then me.

The next morning was even more odd than the last. I'd brought writing materials to write to dad. I had made tea and poured it for Captain. I began to write about the great honor it was to be selected and about how there was nothing to worry about. "Petra, mind if I read?" Yes, he did just ask that. I looked over the letter. Well, I did honor him, so why not? "Sure." He read it over. I stared at him and wondered if he approved. He had an odd calm about him. He looked up. "I picked you because you were the best, idiot." He'd gotten to the part where I wondered about why he chose me.

"Best, Captain?" I was by no means the best. I was fourth and the second best in the squad didn't make squad Levi (the first and third chose the military police).

"Yes, I don't just look at the numbers." 'Then, what do you look at?' I almost asked. I didn't know him well enough and his demeanour didn't welcome conversation. Yet, his reply suggested I did something special. I wonder what - I have to keep doing it. Captain handed back the letter. He looked at my face as I kept wondering what he meant. "Ah, you're wondering what, aren't you?"

I nodded. "It's that you care about people." What? Didn't everybody else? He seemed to read my mind, "Many others only care about killing titans." That's what he saw in me! That I could easily continue - caring, that wasn't so hard. Is that why he read the letter? He cared about who I was? Did he do something similar with the others?

The training was similar, but now I looked at Captain with new eyes. I ignored his facade of ignorance and there it all was - a man who cared about everything, who reprimanded you because he thought that the mistake he'd just seen would lead to another death, not to assert himself or put you down.

That afternoon I learned of Captain's odd vendetta against dirt. I ended up cleaning a floor five times over before finishing it. Auro was with me for the last time because he had nothing better to do. "You notice how caring Captain is?" I asked Auro.

"Caring? You blind, lady?" He didn't. I thought I best not pursue this.

The third morning, things really changed. I made tea and decided on making this a routine. I had to ask him why he hid his caring. I did; it was my way of caring for him.

"Caring?"

"You do care about everybody, right?" My nervousness was catching up to my caring and curiosity. He glared. "Because you don't want to see them die?" This was a wild theory. His face went from an angry glare to neutral thought and back many times. Was I really the first to notice? He seemed to have decided to be angry. But then changed his mind, a bit. "Death is always a bad thing, private Ral, avoidance of such does not mean true caring."

"Sorry, Captain, that was out of place." Thankfully, he dismissed it. But, I was right - he took too long in responding for me to be wrong.

I must note a feeling creeping over me. I saw on the second day, that Captain's face isn't something bad to stare at. He looks nice. Then I realized he cares. He is nice. I definitely had a crush on him. Maybe it was more - it didn't feel as shallow as the other crushes. Like I would know. Of course, on top of this, he had to be my Captain, making doing anything about this one harder.

The fourth morning, Captain came down as usual, and I greeted him. He started slightly. "Morning Petra." He replied. The morning was normal, except that Captain looked a little conflicted. I'd gaze at him and more the once, my gaze was met. He seemed to be deciding whether or not to speak. What was up with him? "Something wrong, Captain?" The fact that I spoke seemed to worsen his state. He exhaled loudly. I was nervous. Did I do anything wrong? He calmed down. "Nothing." Maybe he did care and wanted to tell me, maybe he liked me.

Yeah, he definitely liked me, could I really be that stupid? For all I know, he was picturing my death. His lack of calm was scary. It's odd - I've never feared for any of my other crushes. Then again, they've never been this strange.


	2. Squad Levi 2

5/23/846

Dear diary,

Today, I met another squad leader. She has us call her Hange. I was the only one to meet her for the first time. She seemed to be the only person I've met so far who does not fear Captain Levi. I wish I were like that - I'd just tell him about my 'crush' (I'm going to call it that due to the lack of a better word). I doubt I am the first. Hange is eccentric. She walked up to the table at breakfast and yelled out: "OH GOD LEVI! IT'S A GIRL!" She meant me.

"Hey, Petra, turns out you are female!" Auro jeered. Hange is odd. She sat down. "Newbie! What's your name?!"

"Petra." She nodded.

"Guys! I must tell out about some new experiments!" Everybody muttered an excuse and left. I had no idea what to do, so I stayed. "Petra! Nice of you to stay!" She rambled on and on. I got to talk when she seemed to calm down and realize that I'd only been in the corps for 8 days. "How do you like the squad?"

"I think they're great." She nodded, expecting more. "Captain Levi is surprisingly nice." She laughed. "Nice! That's new!"

"He just hides it." She stopped. "You're actually right, I just never imagined a newb would notice."

"He told me he selected me because I was nice." Hange rolled her eyes. "And skilled, of course."

"Thank you, Hange. I …. must ask, what do you know about Captain Levi?"

"What's it to you?" I probably reddened, I was definitely not as calm as my response: "I was wondering why he hides his caring." She looked at me.

"There's got to be more than that." She had me. I nodded. I was probably blushing.

"Finally! Competition! I'm going to win, ok!" What? Did she just admit to like Captain Levi? I've lost all hope.

"I'll tell you this much: he was a thug, it's probably where he had to hide his feelings."

The door opened. "Petra, come on, we're training." Hange stood up. "I hope shitty glasses didn't bore you." 'Shitty glasses' - I had hope, I was still 'Petra' to him.

"She was fine." But next time, I'd leave. He nodded. He didn't want to care about whether or not I was bored. I have a feeling he did care a bit. Maybe I just want him to care a bit much. Selfishly, I want Captain Levi to only care about me.

Training has been fine. The squad is nice, they all have a great sense of humor and the niceness Captain chose me for. Auro is annoying though. There's something about him that just pisses me off, he feels 'wrong'. There was a time on the first day, when he really tried to annoy me. "So you're ginger, huh?" Gingers weren't common inside the walls. I nodded. "Damn! I thought I killed them off!" I didn't know what to say.

"That's funny." That was all I could come up with.

"And yellow eyes. Jeez, woman, fit in!" This was odd.

"What, and end up like you?" I hoped that would stop him, what was he trying?

"Hey! I'm perfect!" Yes, he actually said that. "You know, I had a friend who told me gingers have no soul." Gunther joined in. 'Gingers have no soul.' I got bullied for that once. The color of my hair, thank god those guys didn't know I was hazel-eyed.

"I heard that yellow eyes give you two souls, so I guess that compensates." Why couldn't I think of something better?

"Never heard of that before. Did your mum tell you that?" No, I made it up. "When you all are quite finished bullying the only girl in the squad, do come for dinner." Captain didn't sound happy.

"Sorry Captain." Auro and Gunther apologized in unison. I hoped they felt ashamed. Captain nodded. He does care. I just realized that this was evidence, after all; would them bullying me really lead to my death? There's more to his caring. Did he like me? Wow, I really can't stop myself. Did I do this before? I guess before, the person was simpler, without the odd barrier. Whether he likes me or not, I ought to know him better. I can claim to know humanity's soldier the best!


	3. Squad Levi 3

6/2/846

Dear dairy,

The past days have been uneventful. There's been more training and a mounting difficulty in hiding how I feel. I should just tell him, one morning, just let him know. Last and this morning made it harder to hide. Why do I hide this, anyway?

"Petra, you're 18, right?" Why did he care? I'm not even going to write my first theory. I'll call it the HLM theory.

"Yes." He nodded and looked pensive. After more HLM theorizing, I had a response.

"Then, how can you devote your life for me?" How? I just do it, obey and save. Now there may be a little more to it than that. "How?"

"I mean, you haven't even lived much." I haven't - I'm only 18. How?

"I just decided, that the rest of my life I'd help humanity against the titans." That's how I decided - and mum's death helped. He sighed and went back to his tea. I was left to more HLM theorizing. That afternoon was also different.

"Petra, how come it's always that you and Captain are up in the morning, alone." Erd asked me - he was always down third and saw Captain and me alone. I may have blushed. "What do you mean?"

"You two are always on your own in the morning. What do you guys do?"

"Nothing, I make him tea." Erd nodded. He clearly didn't believe me. I thought I heard a "Captain ought to know." from inside a few minutes after Erd walked away.

That probably caused the events of this morning. Captain walked down. "Petra," I looked up at Captain. "Do you like me?" Like? Is that what the others had informed captain about. "Like you, sir?"

"Not as a Captain." I HLM theorized more than Hange could've ever titan theorized in that second. "Or a friend, but, a lover." Do I just tell him? I sighed, I was probably red. "Yes, I do, Captain." His face twitched. It was a 'humph,' unless HLM.

He sighed. "Fine. I don't know what to do about it."

"Do?" Did I just say that? I decided suicide wasn't a bad idea. "There's much that can be done." Maybe a titan wouldn't be the death of me. But, then he didn't do much.

"Nothing you'd prefer." 'Not the worst rejection,' I lied to myself. I was clearly getting sad. It bothered me.

"Sorry captain, you can forget I ever liked you." But I wouldn't. 'I don't know what to do about it.' Was I the first person to have a crush on him? The first that he knew? I bet it felt nice. Sadly, I couldn't make him feel nicer. We settled into a normal morning after that.

Even if I don't have a real relationship, surely being the person he trusts the most would suffice? Isn't that what I wanted? I could make him care about me by being there. That's what I must do. Maybe, in the end I could be his best friend. It would be much better than anything else - at least I would get to know him. Even if it doesn't help him, at the very least, it could act as a placebo for my true feelings.


	4. He loves you

8/6/850

Dear diary,

I tied this page in because the main book was at my father's in Trost, and I was with the squad. Other than my resurrection - the previous pages would explain, something huge happened.

Last morning, I was pouring tea out and Levi told me everything I missed over the last four months. It all sounded crazy and without the old squad, I wonder how Levi survived. Then he addressed me - "Er...Petra?" I looked up. Why was he so nervous? Even after four years, HLM theorizing came up instantly. Turns out, as I learned on the horse rides, feelings carry on even after weird resurrects. "I love you." Did he just, I couldn't even form words in my mind. Luckily, I wasn't holding anything. I rushed out and hugged him. "I love you to." We stayed there. For once my HLM hypothesis wasn't proven wrong. Mikasa walked in. I rushed back. I offered her tea. She spoke and I didn't care. Levi and Mikasa had a two line conversation. I didn't care for most of it, except when I was called a ghost. Did Levi talk about me earlier? Mikasa left.

"Captain, what did she mean by 'ghost'?"

"Don't call me captain when we're alone." He did become my boyfriend. Levi. Now I could even say his name.

"Levi, what did she mean by ghost?" I could say it. It felt so odd, but so much better.

"One of my dead friends." He thought of me as a friend?

"Friend?" Did I make it that far?

"No, I loved you." He loved me? Since when?

"Since the third morning." Third morning… that was so early! That's when I realized I liked him as well! HLM theory was always right! "You know, it's funny." He's still talking. "I realized there was something different on the first morning." That was odd… different? "It was the color of your hair… orange." That was ironic: 'He did pause before that, but what else would he think of, the color of my hair?' "The second day: it was about caring." "You read my letter." He nodded: "And then the third - you asked me." "And the fourth you liked me." Mikasa returned. "Heicho, what's our plan for today?" Damn it, Mikasa, ruining the scene.

I could go further. I didn't have to hold back too much any more. Now I had until where my imagination stopped. I just had to control myself.

This was too good to be true - here I am alive again and then I find out that the guy I was crazy for for four years loved me the entire time. But why? What did I do to deserve this? Didn't Erd have a fiancee? Wasn't Gunther also in love? Didn't Auro deserve to live? Over last night, dreaming shamelessly of Levi and my grandchildren, I realized that I admitted to love him at least three different times. Why didn't he do anything about it?

The next morning, I asked him. "Cap - Levi, why didn't you tell me that you loved me earlier?" He looked up. Then around. He looked lost. Then found.

"Petra..., I didn't have the courage." Courage? I admitted it to you as you yelled at me on my fourteenth day. "I couldn't risk losing the squad. Or getting attached. Had I gotten attached, I would have probably messed something up. And I wasn't sure how I felt." Was I his first crush? "Normally, I stop myself from feeling the way I do. This time I could not, you didn't annoy me or be stupid or anything." My whole 'be nice to make friends' thing really did work out.

"What changed?"

"You died." Seriously, that's all it took. Could've known earlier. "I didn't want to let you go thinking you weren't loved, again."

"Considerate." I was still not convinced that that was his only reason. And if it was, then I hope he feels horrible about it. I dealt with it for four years! He could've told me. What was his problem?

"Sorry, Petra. I was stupid." What could I do? I did pick a very socially awkward boyfriend.

"It's ok." I think I should understand him better before being too mad about this. Also, I didn't want to see him sad.

"Petra, why do I care about you?" I looked clueless, hopefully expectant. "One day, one of us will die and make it hard for the other."

"I guess the happiness compensates for it." I really didn't know. What was up with this guy? He needed some form of therapy by the look of it. Maybe he was letting out his hidden concerns and the walls I tried to scale for four years were slowly falling. I'd have to get used to emotional Levi.

"Why do we have feelings anyway? What purpose do they serve?" With teenagers, this would cause a 'dude, you need to get laid.' This is so annoying. "Levi, seriously what's wrong?"

He looked shaken, as if I'd walked over and slapped him. "I don't know how to be a boyfriend." That's all it was, and he was getting all philosophical on me?

"Levi, just be yourself and we'll work it out." He seemed comforted by that. "Next time you doubt yourself as a boyfriend - or anything, please be more direct."

"I just hope I don't do something wrong." Now he's scared of making a mistake?

"That ship has already sailed." He looked shocked and then sad.

"What?!" There was a clear 'do you not love me any more?' unsaid.

"Calm down. It's just that the four years of you not telling me were something wrong."

"You still love me." God, he's stupid!

"Stop being so desperate." I didn't like the odd, scared Levi. He clearly didn't trust in love. "I love you, and nothing will change that." He looked happy, and smiled slightly - it was a Levi smile, of course - a small twitch in the corner of his lip. "I died and I still love you." Love is powerful. 'Till death do we part' is not as simple as it sounds, for me.


	5. The Relationship

8/17/850

Dear diary,

He kissed me! We were talking about my survivors guilt. In the end he hugged me as I calmed down. Then he drew away. I was wondering what he'd say, but instead, I just felt his lips on mine. I wanted this, so I opened my mouth and our tongues were mixing. I would never know how much time went by, but I drew away. As nice as it was, the kiss left me too breathless to go on. I practically skipped back to my room before going to sleep. This relationship is really working out!

This morning Levi kissed me again. Even after waiting four years, this is great! We didn't have much of a conversation in the morning, because Levi was kissing me for the most part.

I couldn't believe this. Levi was not even awkward, it was almost normal. He loves me - he kissed me and I didn't even have to make him do so or wait for too long. This is amazing! I could just scream and jump for joy. My relationship with Levi went further than any other one.

After one of the kisses, Levi paused and asked me, "Did I… was I your first kiss?"

I thought. With all my other 'boyfriends,' I hugged and we went on minor dates. "Yes." He

seemed happy. "And hopefully the last boy you'll kiss." It was cute how he got jealous over me.

Everybody in the squad knew about the relationship - Eren saw me holding Levi's hand and given Levi, there was only one conclusion. Levi took it rather calmly. He eventually told me this was because he wanted people to know - it was easier that way.

There was another interesting turn of events later today, when I met my killer. Annie Leonhart. Thanks to her Erd, Gunther and Auro were dead, among many others. I entered the underground room Annie was stored in. The bitch got a diamond around her while all the good people I knew were dead. The unfairness set off a rare rage. Before I knew what I was doing, I was punching and kicking the diamond, yelling curses and ignoring the damage I was doing to my hands.

"Sorry Annie, they just don't understand." I looked over. It was Armin. The next thing I was aware of was him pinned under me. He looked scared and probably saw his life flash before him.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!" I kicked him.

"It's not her fault…" He spluttered as if I were Levi, grilling him on a cleaning job.

"How?" This time I didn't yell somehow.

"She must've been on a mission. Besides, you didn't know her from before."

"Before. She fucking killed me!" I kicked him again.

"She was nice." Did Armin just…? I kicked him, picked him up and threw him. "I loved her." What did he just? He loved Annie, the female titan?! This was screwed up.

"Heicho will know." Somehow, I managed to reason that Levi would better deal with this. I kicked the diamond again and stormed off.

I walked up and before going to Levi, I decided to walk around the base to cool off, and get something for my battered knuckles. I walked around and found Levi with Hange.

"Hey, Petra!" It was Hange.

"Heicho, Hange!" I ran over.

"She calls you Heicho?" Hange was asking Levi as I arrived.

"When she's a soldier. What is it Petra?"

"Armin says he loves Annie." They nodded, there was no alarm or anything.

"It's a secret mission he's on. He doesn't really like her." Hange began to explain. "He's pretending and if Annie's conscious we hope to use him as a form of a spy."

Armin limped over. "Sorry Armin." The poor guy.

"It's ok, you actually helped." We all looked at the battered boy. "I got to show how much I 'care' as I took Petra's beatings for her." There was a pause as we understood. "Petra, you're a lot like Heicho when you're angry." Hange smirked. Levi glared at Armin. ...A lot like Levi.

"I'll take that as a compliment." I hoped to dispel Levi's glare. "I'll make it up to you, Armin, I am really very sorry."

Armin limped off after saying "It's ok. You helped more. I was going to ask Mikasa to do something similar. At least it was you."

"But I wasn't acting." I called out after him. He turned. "And it was a great performance."

But the bitch still got a diamond. "Sorry to waste your time captains." I was about to excuse myself.

"Petra." It was Hange. "So I heard that you and Levi are in a relationship."

"Yes, we are."

"And you call him Heicho?"

I looked at Levi. I hoped he'd read the 'can I call you Levi?' I was asking him. I took his nod as a yes. "What I call Levi depends on whether he'd like me to be seen as a soldier or a girlfriend."

"Wow, you two!" Hange was getting over-excited. I left and Levi followed suit soon after. He caught up with me. She probably also wanted to see me call Levi by name as proof.

"I feel I must punish you for what you did to Armin." I agreed. I was in the wrong and I should get some punishment. I wondered what he'd come up with - not that he was bad at punishing people, I just wondered how much would change given our relationship. "I'll give you stable duty, I guess." That's what he gave me when I beat up Auro. "So creative, Levi."

With that the day ended, but I'm still tempted to go to Levi's room to see if I can get kissed.


	6. The death of Levi Ackermann

7/21/904

Dear diary,

Levi died 3 days ago.

In the afternoon, I was sitting beside him, enjoying his presence when he randomly said "thank you, Petra."

"You're welcome." I reflexively replied.

"No. Thank you so much." I realized that the thanks he gave was not some shallow 'thanks for the coffee,' but a deeper 'thanks for existing and living and doing every little thing ever.'

"I'll do it all for you as long as you need." I told him, bending over and kissing him on his forehead.

I got up from the kiss and his eyes were closed. His chest stopped moving. The sadness that filled me was so deep, crying wouldn't have been enough. I took his flugel, which was on him - he wore his uniform the night before, and added it to the box. I decided to walk to the Jeager house. They should know first.

By the time I reached, I started crying as my brain began to handle the sadness. Mikasa opened the door and hugged me. She probably realized what happened. Solemnly, Mikasa and Eren moved in to my house. We began to arrange the funeral. We got a doctor to confirm the time and cause of death. The activity kept me from just crying, but tears fell steadily.

The next morning I woke up early as usual. I made tea and everything was normal; until nobody drank the second cup. I realized that the bed was emptier than usual. Then I remembered. I was crying again by the time Mikasa came down. She lightened the mood as much as she could.

We arranged Levi's funeral and due to travelling guests, that will be in a week. These days have been hard, but I owe it to Levi to ensure that his funeral would be perfect.


	7. Turning 21

3/25/849

Dear diary,

Yesterday I turned 21. The squad had to introduce me to my new right - alcohol. Because of that, I cannot describe the night as well as I wish to (the rest of the day was normal).

Today I woke up to the entire squad, including Heicho and Hange. I rolled over and there they were.

"Morning, sunshine." Auro greeted me. I made noises which words couldn't describe.

"Ral, get dressed and come down in 5."

"Yes Heicho." All I could recall was drinking. Then more drinking, until it became a blur. I didn't know how the night ended, but here I was in the morning.

Everybody, except Hange and Heicho left. "Ral, you said last night that you loved me. Is this true?" I got up noting the terrible state of my uniform. "Heicho, you are a great leader and..."

"You meant as a woman loves a man." He interjected. Now, I don't know if I should have told him. I thought 2 things - this was an easy way to admit it and I had told him once (3 years ago). "Yes, Heicho, I do."

"Don't show it." There was another emotion under his calm, but it flicked too quickly for me to name.

I got dressed and walked towards the kitchen. I the corridor, I heard voices. They were from Heicho's office. "I know you love her!" That was Hange.

"How?!" Heicho replied.

"While she was drunk, why did you have to carry her?" The amount of HLM theorizing I did… He carried me? I wish I could remember.

"I'm the strongest."

"Not to mention, she wouldn't get away from you." I stopped to eavesdrop. "But, there was the time you sorted her hair out…" What? He actually… Why? Did HLM?

"I had more to drink than I'd have liked."

"Excuses, excuses."

"Her time's up. She'd better be downstairs." I heard footsteps and rushed down.

The day went fine, except for the pounding headache which reminded me of the night before. In the evening, I met Hange. "Hange, I heard you tell Heicho you think he loves me." Hange looked as if a Titan grabbed her. "What made you think this way?"

She sighed, and I guess something killed the titan. "Well, Levi sorted your hair. Later on he let you sleep on his shoulder." Why couldn't I remember? I wonder how that felt… "Then he carried you back - bridal style." He didn't carry me as I thought - as a fireman: over the shoulder; instead, he actually had me in his arms - in front of him. "He may have even smiled when you said you loved him." HLM. That was that. I just had to go and ask him.

"Thanks Hange." I left. I had to talk to Heicho. If he loved me - this was it, I'd start a relationship.

"Heicho, do you love me?" He blinked at me, frowned, thought a bit and confirmed what I meant by love before saying "No Ral… I don't." I gave him my evidence from Hange.

"Christ Ral, I was drunk!" But he liked me for that night…

My mind wandered through every interaction he and I had had. I began to wonder if I even made it to friends. "Heicho, would you consider me your friend?"

He looked up. "I might."

"Like in the mornings when I make you coffee?"

He thought. There was an apprehension which flicked across his face.

"You're scared you won't be able to get over my death, aren't you?" The words were calmer than me.

"I get over all deaths."

"But with me it's different, isn't it?" I hoped I didn't sound as desperate as I was. What if I really meant nothing special to him?

"Fine." He sounded annoyed. "You are my friend and I care more than I should."

Even in my achievement there was a pang of failure. I must've become a burden to Heicho. But, if I lived for long enough, would me skill and (hopefully) company make up for it. I was mad at Heicho - his annoyance took away that which I waited for for 3 years. He was being pessimistic and hurtful and rejected me again. "You need me! You need somebody who cares!" I almost shouted and began to walk out.

"That's what's hard." I stopped. There was no anger. "Petra, you do make my days better." I was already dreaming of our kids in the space of his pause. "But you'll die and I'll live and that's why I don't want you." His face was solemn. He needed me but didn't want me?

My caring overtook my anger. "How many people like me did you lose?"

"Too many." He blinked slowly. I could see the more emotional him in tears. "So, get out before you join them." But I wanted in on this group.

"Heicho, I'll never join them. I'll live." And make you happy.

"Good luck. Go, make sure dinner's ready." His mask came back on. I left. I realized, while checking on dinner, how much I actually knew Heicho. In the mornings, I could tease out emotions. I'd guess based on his reactions, likes and dislikes. Over the years, I've gotten better - it now takes 3 guesses for me to know exactly how he feels and why.

As I walked back to Heicho's office, it occurred to me that he let me get this close. He never actually stopped me. "You let me become your friend, didn't you?" I asked him, as I entered.

"Is dinner ready?"

"Yes sir."

"And Ral, the whole squad let you." But he still didn't want my friendship, right? Then why did he let me get to know him?

"Thanks." Technically, he told me I was good for the squad. "But, you still didn't answer me."

"I couldn't help it." What? "What was I supposed to do? Hide?" What did he mean. "You could read me better than anybody else and it's convenient to let you."

"Convenient?"

"The only way to stop you is not letting you see me."

"Thanks Heicho." With that I left. So I was his friend! And he couldn't even help it.


	8. Christmas

12/25/850

Dear diary,

Merry Christmas! This week has been amazing! Levi and I sleep together. There's no sex - we both hate the fact, but we're not bent on doing something stupid. But just being next to him is nice - especially in the cold.

A few nights ago, Levi asked me if he could feel my heartbeat. As I approved his odd request, his hand slid up to my heart, under my shirt.

"You're alive." He muttered. I smirked and placed his hand slightly higher. He touched my breast and started slightly. I stroked his hand, telling him it was fine. "You don't wear a bra?"

"Girls generally don't while sleeping."

"Can I … " I placed his hand properly on my breast. His other hand slid up.

"Wait a minute." I got up removing his hands. I took off my shirt and lay back down facing him. He explored my chest - with his hands and lips. It felt great. Soon we were asleep.

Next morning I woke up and Levi spoke into my ear. "I want you." I sighed. There wasn't going to be much more intimacy for a while. The next step was sex and we'd agreed to wait until we were engaged.

We lazed around for the week. The week was an odd honeymoon thing because we were alone in the base and we could be as we liked. We scarcely changed out of what we wore at night. The only time we left the base was to get food once.

"Levi, when is your birthday?" I asked as we walked.

"The 25th."

"You're born on christmas!" This is awesome. "So, you're like Jesus!" He gave me an odd look. "Our Lord and Saviour." He patted my back in annoyance and I kissed him. "You're mine, anyway."

"Am not." He was irked. "I am not your Lord." He paused. "Or your saviour."

I hugged him. He still worried over how he couldn't save me. We walked around the market mostly quietly. I bought a few things, Levi scowled at a few things. An hour passed until Levi asked "Petra, does your shopping have to be so unorganized?"

"What?!" Unorganized?

"You visited this place thrice."

"Shut up." I shopped how I wanted.

Another five minutes went by and Levi lost patience. "I should do this." He grumbled, taking the bags. He disappeared and emerged in five minutes with everything on the list. "Done."

"How?!"

"After 65 minutes of wandering, the stalls weren't hard to remember."

"Ok, genius!"

"Cadet Ral never would've said that."

"Sorry Heicho, it will never happen again." I hope he could sense the sarcasm in my voice.

"I didn't mean it that way." I gave him a derisive look, expressing a 'what did you expect?' "You have two personalities. I've never seen you be like… that. Never seen you say anything 'not nice.' And now you - "

Over the week I began to show that side of me - the less reserved side of me which only titans and Auro really witnessed before. Levi would have to deal with it. "Which do you prefer?"

He thought. He stopped and thought. I'd have slapped him if it were the former. He smirked. "The latter is much more natural." And? "I prefer her." So his cheek has not been reddened.

I thought about us for a while. It was much better not having to think about 20 years in the future or some alternate reality, but here and now when it came to our relationship. "You know you're quite similar."

He mused. "Yeah. I guess so."

"So underneath my mask, I'm more like you." Armin did say this.

"And underneath mine, I'm like you."

"We have so much in common." I kissed him.

"Like what?"

"Our personalities, our heights…" He almost hit me. "I think we think in similar ways, we like the same people."

"Huh, we're both skilled fighters…"

"And with such different backgrounds…"

"Odd, isn't it?" We kissed again.

Overall, this relationship has been great. There's been intimacy, discovery, a small bit of problems. Levi is a good boyfriend. His imperfections add to him.


	9. First anniversary

4/25/853

Dear diary,

Today was our first anniversary. At lunch, Levi wished me again and asked "So, how'd you like to celebrate?"

"You know, I haven't killed titans in a while." Fact - it's been 8 months since my last kill - time was lost in my pregnancy and taking care of Erwin.

"We could just go and do that." Levi offered. Next thing I know, we were in the nearby forest waiting for titans. A 20-m class appeared. "You want the honors?"

"Let the games begin." I said, leaping off to kill it. A few kills later, a cadet from Levi's squad appeared. "Heicho, this is unsafe!"

"Shut up!"

"Heicho…"

"Christ Sake! I'm on a date, idiot!" Muttering and babbling apologies, the cadet left.

"A date, huh?" I maneuvered next to him. I kissed him. "Happy anniversary."

We killed titans casually and I wish the rest of the old squad was there. This would have been a great bonding experience.

At some point in the afternoon, I sa class. "I bet I can kill it without maneuvering!" I yelled and leapt off the tree. I think I heard a "Petra, wait!" I ran up to it. As the titan bent down towards me, I ran under its legs, cutting them off. It writhled on the ground as it healed and tried to crawl to eat me. I ran up its back. In 2 steps, I jumped and sliced out the nape. An arm, probably reaching for me, fell. I returned to Levi.

"You think you're great, huh?" Levi challenged me.

"Yeah! Beat that!" Which I really expected him to.

"Fine. No maneuvering?"

"Do it!" He leapt off the tree. He didn't pick out a short titan, but went straight for a 20 m. He jumped onto its leg and grappled using the blades as picks on the cliff face of the titan. The titan grabbed him. Levi didn't resist, and I worried that he lost his mind and readied myself. Levi dropped into the titan's mouth. He just fell. In that moment, I almost fell over in grief. Then, it occurred to me that being swallowed whole, Levi could be alive inside the titan. I maneuvered to the titan, and stood on its shoulder. It did not move. I saw why - Levi was hanging onto the titan's back, and the nape was a neat hole in the titan's throat. Levi carried me to the tree as I wept in relief. "What the fuck, Levi!"

"What?!"

I slapped him. "You scared me!" I sobbed and hugged him. "Don't do that again."

He stroked my hair. "Sorry."

"Did you even know that that would work?"

"Sorta."

"So you just risked your life?"

"Not really."

"Don't scare me, Levi."

"Sorry." I let go, getting over the near death I just watched. "Petra, you think we could make titans kiss?"

"What?"

"Die mouth-to-mouth."

"That's morbid." He frowned. "And cool." His smirk returned. "Let's do it!" So we came up with a plan. The idea was to lure two 20-m titans towards each other and then get swallowed by the other (the titans would come face-to-face). After killing the titans, we'd meet up on top of our artwork.

We picked a meeting point and found two 20-m titans, luckily. We met up at the spot and I was swallowed, which must've been an odd feeling, but I didn't have the time to notice. Soon, I had emerged and grappled onto the titan's head, using my momentum to climb up and land on it. As I landed, I saw Levi doing the same. We landed at the same time and kissed on top of the titans. I realized how odd a scene that must've been. But, for the two of us, it was perfect, we were having fun. We were in time and that must've been beautiful, kissing him then just felt right.

A few more kills passed with us doing small bets - using only one blade or only stabbing, I asked "Levi, can I learn your spinning technique?". 5 test titans later, I was 'ok.' The idea was to grapple with one rope only and spin. The blade hold was simple - you just hold the right blade behind you.

At dusk we returned. A member of my squad - Charles - met us. "Commander Zoe says she was sad not to be invited."

"It was a date." Levi would've added an 'idiot', but I didn't see why. We began to walk off.

"Heicho!" We both whirled. "This may be out of place..."

"Don't worry Charles."

"The two of you are perfect together." I looked at Levi. 'And you allow this bullshit?' Seemed to flick across his face. "To what do we owe that compliment?" I asked.

"Well… as you both were missing for a while, I got a group and we went into the forest. We searched for you two."

He paused and looked guilty. "It's ok… continue." Levi had resigned himself from responding to Charles.

"I stood at a tree waiting (we split up). I saw you and Levi-heicho appear out of the forest at the same time, chased by titans. You got eaten by his and he by yours. I got scared, but before I could draw my blades, you both appeared out of the titans and grappled up." The mouth-to-mouth kill. "You two kissed and the timing was perfect… I never thought two people could be so …"

"Thanks." Levi looked impatient. "Did I miss anything?"

"Nope."

"Great." We turned and walked away.

"You're too nice." Levi commented.

"You're too rude." It was a disagreement we had for a year. We couldn't agree on whose way of handling the squads was better. We decided to see based on kills and skills in a few years, but both squads were dead even at this point.

We entered our house. Erwin's nanny was dismissed. She came weekly so that Levi and I could spend four days each week with our squad. Erwin was left to us, not that he noticed.

In fact, the only reason I'm writing is because Erwin can't sleep. Speaking (writing?) of which…


	10. Trusting a killer

11/24/850

Dear diary,

Today I learned more about Levi.

In the morning, after our routine kissing, Levi sat down. I decided to sit on his lap - I thought the closeness would be nice.

"Petra, get up." Levi said, right behind my ear, a few minutes later.

I got up. " What is it?" Did I overstep?

"Don't sit with your back to me." That was it? I heaved a sigh of relief and sat facing him. I was welcomed with a kiss. "Petra, what do you think I did in the underground?"

He'd told me a sketch of his life. "I guess you stole and beat people up along the way …" He nodded.

"Ral,..." He sighed and leaned back. "I was a killer." A killer!

"You killed people!"

He nodded sheepishly. Could I deal with this fact - the man I love being a killer? Did it matter? Why?

"Why?" He looked at me and his guilt seemed to deepen. "Tell me why before you blame yourself."

"You're not scared?"

"Of what?"

"Me."

"Why should I be?" I kissed him on the cheek.

He held my neck. "I could kill you."

"But I trust you won't."

"How can you forgive me?"

"I love you, that's how."

"So, I get away with murder?"

"Yeah… but not hiding your love." It was kinda funny… He gets away with murder but not having a secret.

"Sorry."

"I told you I loved you twice!"

"I was scared." I scared Levi? I must be quite unique.

"Of what?"

"Of attachment."

"Why couldn't you just tell me?"

"Sorry."

"There were days when I thought you like Hange!"

His face betrayed a 'Hange?!' and what I hoped was an 'Ewww.' "But, what if you couldn't help? What if you made it worse?" What if he was right? It occurred to me that I could be burdening him?

"What if this is wrong?" I tried not to cry as I got off Levi and walked back up to my room.

Levi entered. "Ral…"

"What if I'm wrong? What if I burdened you too much? What if…" I was interrupted by a kiss.

"Then one of us will find out."

"But… why should we? Isn't humanity more important than our feelings? Wouldn't it be easier not to feel? Why should" He kissed me again.

"God, Ral. Don't make me do that again."

"But…"

"You're not a burden."

"But when I die…"

"I'll see. Is a world which lets you die really worth my time?"

"But you're humanity's best…"

"And you're his inspiration." I guess somehow, love was the answer to this problem as well. "Also, if I'm burdening you too much, tell me."

"Not being with you was burden enough." Levi looked at me. "You know, even when I was dying that's what I thought about." He gave me a quizzical look. "I saw Auro die and Annie take away Eren. Then you came and I saw it in your face. I could tell that you wanted to apologize. I wish I could come and tell you how much we forgave you. It was not your fault. All I wanted was to ask if I could've ever gone out with you."

Levi kissed me. "I almost came down to tell you how sorry I was and how I loved you the whole time."

"Touching." It was Mikasa, ruining another scene.

"Like you wouldn't do this to Eren." Levi growled. "What is it?"

"Message from Hange."

"And?"

"We're going to test out the hardening abilities."

That meant me and Eren. This was bad - I thought I was done titan-shifting. Levi was reading my face. "But if you ate Reiner, then you're probably going to be able to harden."

"What?"

"He was the armoured titan." So maybe the power was transferred?

In the end, we found that I couldn't harden. Eren did and Armin theorized that it was in self-defense. Thus, after christmas, further experiments were planned for Eren. Thankfully, my weak titan was spared from Hange's prodding.


	11. Dancing

10/2/849

Dear diary,

Today was terrible. As a soldier, the day was normal and there's nothing to complain about. After my day as a soldier ended, though, complaints started.

Hange summoned me. "There's a ball in Sina in two weeks."

"Wow! That's cool! Are we all invited?"

"Levi didn't tell you guys?"

"No…" That might have to do with his social awkwardness.

"Anyway, Erwin will force him." She paused. "Say, do you know how to dance?"

"Kinda."

"You'd probably be good enough." I shrugged. "Let's see."

Oddly, Hange could dance. She proved that I was good enough. "Why do you want me to dance?"

"You're going to teach Levi."

"What?!"

"You're the only person he'd agree to dance with…"

"He told you?" The HLM theorizing I did.

"You're the only person I could think of who he knows and is not shorter than." I had a clear 'oh' on my face. "And you're probably the person he'd mind the least."

"How do you know?"

"He told me."

"That he wouldn't mind dancing with me." HLM!

"We forced him to choose." Maybe not. This conversation had an odd trend of 'he loves me, he loves me not.'

Heicho walked in with Commander Erwin. "... not going to fucking dance!" Levi paused and turned to Hange. "Shitty glasses, you too!" Then his gaze panned further and found me. "What the actual…"

"Remember when you said the one person you'd dance with…"

"What the fuck?" Even around Commander Erwin, Heicho's vocabulary didn't change.

Soon, we got dancing. I felt great being held by Heicho. I'm pretty sure I turned a little red because of my nervousness. There were points where I could barely stop myself from kissing him. I just tried to dispassionately look ahead - luckily, I could see over his shoulder. I could feel the warmth of his face, but I tried not to turn to see how close we were.

"Practice again." Commander ordered after Heicho learned the basics.

"Why?"

"It'll help."

"Ral, don't you have something better to do?"

"Not really, Heicho."

Thus we danced again. Heicho looked at my face this time since he was surer about his footing. "So your eyes are yellow."

"Yes, Heicho." I'm pretty sure I saw Hange chuckle. Commander and Hange had a muttered conversation. All I could hear was "she…" and "he…" and then an eventual "love."

"Petra, are you in love with Levi?" Commander asked.

"Yes… I hope it won't affect…"

"Don't worry. Apparently it's been going on for three years, hasn't it?"

"Yes commander."

"Well, as long as Levi sees you fit, I will not remove you from his squad."

"Thanks commander."

After a while, a curiosity nagged me. Did I have any chance of being Heicho's girlfriend? "Heicho… pardon me for asking, but do I have any chance to be your girlfriend?"

"I thought you'd do nothing." Came the response.

"But after the titans…" Heicho looked unsure, I thought.

"No."

"Really?"

"I don't think so."

The song ended and he let go of me. I couldn't stop tears, so I excused myself. I heard a "Levi, go apologize!" from Hange. As I wandered back, trying to hide tears to avoid concerning Gunther or Erd, Commander Erwin caught up.

"He's a great liar, you know."

"I don't understand commander." I tried to keep my voice even.

"Levi didn't really mean it."

"Are you sure, sir?"

"100%"

"But then…"

"He's scared of getting attached, I think."

"But, surely I shouldn't except…"

"Keep doing what you do, Petra. He needs you more than you think." His friends kept insisting that I was great for him and probably thought that we'd make a great couple; yet, Heicho never showed this.

"Thanks commander."

With that my tears stopped. I spent the evening writing to dad, but my letters seemed too sad. In the end I just sat and imagined a future with Heicho.

At night, I felt like sipping tea and found a book I had packed - some novel about a conflicted aristocrat. As I read, I heard footsteps. I saw Heicho in the candlelight.

"Petra… I'm sorry." I might've glared.

"I shouldn't have said that." He paused and sat down. "After the titans, maybe we can try a relationship."

"Heicho, everybody thinks you love me."

"And everybody can be wrong."

"But, then how is it that I'm your closest friend, the 'person you wouldn't mind dancing with' and all?"

"Ral, you are a good friend. That's all."

"I hope you're lying."

"For your sake, keep imagining it."

Then I hit an idea. "So if I'm not special, then why did you come and apologize?"

"It's because I've never known anybody who was in love with me."

"So?"

"I don't know what to do. And I made you cry."

"You nearly knocked Auro out yesterday for saying that …"

"I was punishing him. I didn't intend to punish you."

"Fine. Apology accepted."

"You don't sound satisfied."

"What do you care?" He gave a stern look. "Sorry, heicho, it's just that I still haven't got a hope of a relationship, so I'm not going to be content."

"I can't give you that." He looked around. "But, I want to make it up to you." What?! HLM…?

"How do you…"

"I'll do one thing for you, anything." My imagination went wild… 'anything.' "But nothing physical or permanent." Smothered, again.

"Fine. Take me somewhere for dinner."

"Ok."

"And if you actually want to kiss me or… anything, feel free to." He sighed.

"Ok, I'll take you out. Don't make a fuss about it." He got up and walked a few steps. "Good night." He disappeared.

Maybe calling this day terrible was a bit harsh. Afterall, I did get a date with Heicho. Of course, I wanted to be just like his girlfriend, but we'd discuss that later. Maybe I could get him to like me. Who knows? In the end, I'd still be his friend.


	12. The Tale of Two Parties - Part 1

_(A/n: Thanks to my sister for the dress design and description)_

10/17/849

Dear diary,

Yesterday, we went to the ball. In was actually a bit of a let down. Heicho is right to hate the snobs.

Yet, the occasion was a great excuse to wear good clothes. Hange bought me a dress. It was dark red, almost maroon, but lighter. The dress was strapless and figure-hugging until about midway down my thigh and the back of my knee. Below that the material flowed freely till the floor and a bit of it dragged behind me as I walked. There was a triangular section of cloth embroidered with many tiny roses. I didn't want to do much with my hair, so I wore it hanging loose and slightly curled. My shoes were quite annoying - 4 inch heels of the same maroon. I hated those. My earrings were tiny maroon roses to match my sash.

The guys in the squad wore their own tuxedos or formal wear. Heicho was wearing a maroon bowtie which matched my dress. Maybe Hange arranged this, but I have no idea why.

As I joined the group, everybody (Heicho as well) let out some noise of surprise.

"What is it?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Petra… you look great." Erd said.

"Thanks."

"More suitable to be my wife." Auro commented, offering a hand.

"You would be so lucky." I retorted, slapped his hand away.

We sat in the carriage and began our journey. We didn't talk much. At some point, Heicho spoke up.

"Auro, why do you address Petra as your wife?"

"Huh? Sorry, Heicho, what?" Auro stuttered as Erd and Gunther both looked at me, asking in their eyes why Heicho cared. I tried my best to answer that I did not know.

"It's just uncommon, so why?" The eye-questioning from Erd and Gunther stopped.

"I mean it as a joke."

"It's not funny." Gunther smirked.

"Sorry Heicho."

"Heicho, why do you care?" Gunther asked. There was an implicit "do you want Petra as your wife?" in his tone.

"It's just one of the quirks of my soldier."

The silence resumed. We reached the hall. It was grand. The walls were white and the floor sparkled. Around us, everybody was in their finest clothing, women in billowing dresses and men in their suits. There was an orchestra somewhere I was too short to see playing some soft tune. Titans didn't seem to touch this place. There was no desperation, death or destruction here.

The party began soon after we arrived - we were by no means the last or the first. The food was exquisite - meats, salads and a soup - none of which I could remember. The wine was elegant as well, and I could drink it (fourth opportunity).

The people were somewhat dull. I had no common interests. The ladies talked about husbands, servants and concerns of the rich. The talk began to sicken me - "oh, my maid's life doesn't matter - she did mix up my perfumes.", "oh, her, she's from Shingshiga. Nothing good comes from there." and finally "who cares about what the military does, who needs them anyway?" At this point, I began to hate them. "What do you people do?" Somebody looked over to me.

"We are trying to get back wall maria."

"That does not seem to be working." I tried to give a neutral shrug. "What's so hard about the titans anyway?" Hard… Yeah, she actually doubted the difficulty.

"They are surprisingly quick."

"So?"

"And they have only one weak spot, which isn't easy to get to."

"So why waste your time?" Yes, she asked.

"To fight back instead of dying quietly."

"Why fight?"

"Freedom."

"Aren't you free enough?"

"No, we live within walls."

"Whatever. Do what you want." With that conversation went to the mundane. After a few more rounds, I excused myself. The hall had a balcony which overlooked a street. The street was dark and empty. The only light came through the large french doors behind me as I looked into the blackness, wondering what would be if wall rose were to fall. Would these people still doubt the survey corps?

A shadow appeared. I turned to see Heicho. "Hey Ral."

"Hi captain." He stood next to me and looked out. He looked annoyed, bored and tired. We just stood out there in the silence. The night was pleasantly cool. "How is it going?" I asked Heicho, hoping to dispel the awkwardness.

"Shitty." I nodded and looked away, in case anybody was watching. "Don't you know?"

"Know, heicho?"

"You can read my face, right?"

"Yes."

"Then why'd you ask?"

"Conversation."

"Tch. Just shut up." I probably let out a grunt of annoyance - I let myself nowadays.

After a while, music started. I don't know how much time passed in silence. Everybody else seemed to be ignoring the balcony. "Ral, dance with me." I looked at Heicho.

"B-but, won't everybody th-think…" I began to stammer.

"I'd rather have people think we're in a relationship than be hit on." He offered a hand.

I took it, blushing. "But this doesn't count for our date." His 'I'm not stupid' glare was the last thing I saw before we re-entered.

We danced together for the rest of the night, and it was the best feeling - being so close and him hold my hand, with his other hand around my waist. I confirmed, over this time, that Hange chose the bowtie. By the end, because of all the dancing, I had worked up the courage to ask him if I could kiss him. That got a "christ Ral." People gave us questioning looks. Heicho did not seem to care and I did not either. This dance was much less awkward because Heicho wasn't mad at the fact that we were dancing and he was getting better.

"You two in a relationship?" Somebody asked as we danced.

"No."

"Oh… friends?"

"Yeah."

"Friends don't look at each other like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you want each other." Want? Did Heicho betray anything in his looks. I couldn't tell for myself - I probably am not the most neutral when it comes to that.

Somehow the dance ended. I don't know how the time passed. My mind was frantically stopping every desire I had to kiss him, while still enjoying the rare experience. We got into the carriage, and the rest of the squad could not hide their curiosity - I did dance with Heicho.

"Trying to steal my wife, huh?" Auro commented. His speech gave away that he wasn't sober. I glared.

Before Heicho could say anything - a lot of which would've been cursing, Erd spoke. "Heicho, why did you dance with Petra?"

Heicho scowled. "She was the only person I didn't find annoying. And she's the perfect height."

"But the whole time?"

"Yes."

"And added to you defensiveness over her marriage status…" Gunther prodded.

"Defensiveness?"

"Everytime Auro uses the word wife you frown." Great, so now the entire squad thought that Heicho loved me.

"Because it makes no sense. Now let's get back to the camp." He entered the carriage. "And if any of you value tomorrow's off, shut up."

It does nag me. Why did Heicho dance with me? And then there was the whole thing about reading his expression - did he expect that? Then the thing about Auro - why did it bother him? Also, a complete stranger could see it. Why did Heicho hide it?

So, I decided to try again. "Heicho. I know you love me." I told him in the morning.

"Christ Ral,..."

"It'll be easier if you stopped hiding it."

"Ral… I don't…" He turned slightly.

"Look me in the eyes and say it."

He gulped. He looked me in the eyes. "Petra. I don't love you."

"Fine." I'd take it. He may be a great liar, but I couldn't push him more than I already was.

"Don't bother me."

"I always will."

"Why?"

"Because I love you. And everybody I know thinks you love me back." He gave me a glance of 'really?' "Hange has thought so since March, Commander told me two weeks ago. The whole squad thinks so, and the stranger in Sina did as well." 'So?' His face asked. "Why is it that you'd dance with me? Why is it that you care more and you show it? Why do you let me get to know you? Why is it that you feel so guilty about saddening me? Why is it that you have not yet stopped me from yelling at you?!" I was pretty much yelling by the end.

"Because you know I care."

"But doesn't your showing it make you more attached?"

Before he could respond, Gunther came downstairs. "What's with the yelling?"

"Petra thinks I love her. Please help me show her how her theory is flawed."

"I can't help your side, Heicho."

"Get out."

Gunther left. "See? He was being polite and you told him to leave!"

"Because I know it wouldn't hurt him."

"So you'd rather have me feel good, instead of being detached. But, with others you don't care. Why?"

"It's because… you are special. You are a friend, more than a subordinate."

"Why?"

"Because you saw through my mask."

"What about 'looking like you wanted me'?"

"What does that even mean?"

I let myself ogle for a short time. Heicho gulped. 'I looked like that?' his face involuntarily asked. I nodded. "I think it's like that."

"I may think you look good occasionally." He paused to sip my tea. "But I wouldn't do anything about it."

"Fuck you, Heicho." I was too mad. Somehow 'Heicho' still came out.

"You would."

"And you'd love it." I got up and began to walk away.

"Even then, I wouldn't do anything about it."

"But you'd love it!" I left. I was furious. Did he love me? I knew he was hiding something, lying - giving fake responses. If I only knew. If only he could tell me, once and for all, genuinely, that the loves he. Everybody knew, nobody would be surprised. What was this attachment he feared? I hope when one of us dies he understands how wrong his thinking is. With love, all detachment seems to breed is regret, yet he doesn't see. Has he never loved anybody? Did he hide behind friendship the whole time, even with the others?

"I'm surprised he didn't kill you." Gunther commented as I passed his room.

"He loves me too much." Gunther snorted. "He just won't admit it."

"... ever."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think you'll ever be in a relationship with him."

"Why?"

"He's too scared. Unfortunately, that's just who you picked."

"Stupid me."

"You two are actually great together." I gave him a quizzical look. "Seriously, some mornings, just hearing the way you know him. You guys don't even start a conversation - it's always from the middle, as if you two are on the same page all the time."

"I just wish for more…"

"You know, the way it is is quite beautiful as it is."

Levi walked up.

"Paperwork?" I couldn't help but ask. "I thought Commander let you off." He gave a shrugged response. "You've been lazy, huh?" He walked away. "Have fun."

"See?! I mean, wow! How did you know?!" Gunther exclaimed.

"His face."

"Sure… but what of it? Nothing said 'paperwork'..."

"His eyebrows - they are closer, I think."

"How did you know about commander?"

"He told me earlier."

"And laziness?"

"The shrug - he blamed himself."

"See what I mean? He didn't even have to talk, and you still had a conversation." And I didn't even say 'hi.' "I think he lets you."

"What?"

"You did just call him lazy."

"Whatever, how does it matter?"

"It makes you feel better." With that I headed back down to finish my tea and make some for the others.

Maybe Gunther was right. If all I could have with Heicho was this friendship, then so be it. I'd love him and maybe after the titans - the swords hanging over our heads, we'd be able to have a relationship. And I still have that date…


	13. The Tale of Two Parties - Part 2

10/19/851

Dear diary,

Yesterday was another ball in Sina.

Everything was the same as two years ago except that the squad was different and I wasn't in a relationship. This time, Levi matched me intentionally. The dress was the same and my size and fit hardly changed.

It was odd to see Mikasa and Sasha in dresses as well and now I understood how the squad felt two years ago when they saw me. This squad was very similar and I couldn't help but think about how nice it would've been to see the old squad.

The carriage ride was similar - silent. Apparently the other carriages were noisier, but ours - Levi, Armin, Mikasa, Eren and me - was quiet.

In the hall (it was exactly the same), Levi and I sat together. People had this odd tendency to flock around Levi. He hated the fact, but put on a grim face and avoided hateful comments.

This time, the Sina society had new gossip: Levi has a girlfriend. Thus, I got attention - not all of it positive either. There were many "well dones," and "how pretty, you two look good together." Then people learned of my Shinshiga origins and began to wonder "but what are her prospects?", "Levi, are you sure she's what you deserve?" and even a few "even I'm better than that." I ignored them as much as I could and Levi tried the same. People began to forget our relationship and hit on Levi. Much to their chagrin, Levi never let them go too far before mentioning me.

Watching the vulgar feeding-frenzy was sickening and the relationship did not seem to reduce anything. I eventually shut myself out from most of the conversation. I actually imagined many of the people dead so that I wouldn't barf. The world is so unfair. These dimwitted air-heads whose horizon is at their nose get protected by the likes of Levi, Hange, Erwin or any of the squads or me.

Hours drifted by. I tried to help Levi in socializing. The conversation kept going back to my background. I realized how everybody assumed that Levi was raised by wealthy parents. It was amusing and I wonder how they'd have reacted to Levi's true past.

At some point, some girl came up in a yellow dress and told Levi why she was perfect. The reasons were primarily wealth and "an honorable name to tell the queen." A few others joined her stating that their titles were more noble than the Ral from Shinshiga.

"Shut the fuck up you air-headed bitches! I don't care about money, name or stature. Have any of you flown through a 3DMG or faced a titan? Do any of you care beyond this shitty pretense? Now you see? I've decided and it is final: I am with Petra and that will never change!" Levi finally lost his calm.

"How rude!" I gave up on taking it at this point.

"If any of you actually cared about this man, you would know that that was the most beautiful thing he's ever said." I barely kept my tone even and I still growled a little. The table we were at emptied soon and left us happier.

"You don't mind, do you?" I asked him.

"Mind what?"

"My background."

"Christ, Ral. I should be asking you."

"But you could get one of them now."

"And?"

"Am I enough?"

"No shit." He paused and mused. "You know, Ral, you're the only beautiful thing that I've seen in the world."

"No way." I knew him too long to fall for this, this was definitely fake.

"Seriously. The only person who's kind for the sake of being kind. And you look great. You're the reason I still fight nowadays. You're like my pillar."

I kissed him. "But what do you see in me?" What do I see in him? What makes him unique?

"I dunno. I don't think about pillars or beauty the way you do."

"But you surely think of something..." He smirked. "I'm hardly perfect."

"You are perfect for me. You're like the ultimate mission - be nice to Levi." He chuckled in his own way (writing about his feelings is tough - where others see a 'he didn't react at all' I see a 'he smirked, mused and then internalized it, hoping to never forget.').

Later on, we danced. It was much better than last time because I could kiss him and didn't have to hide my love or pretend that this wasn't my dream coming true.

"Levi, how do I look?" I never got to ask...

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." For that he got a kiss. The dance went on. We didn't really need to speak throughout this. I think we both enjoyed just being there in each other's arms.

The night ended and we got into the carriages. This time, instead of Armin, Hange joined us with Eren and Mikasa.

Levi and I got a side of the carriage to ourselves. Levi leaned on me. He looked tired and I wondered if he'd fall asleep.

Hange began to speak. "So, Eren, what was up with spending the whole time with Mikasa?"

"I…" Eren began as Mikasa burrowed into her scarf. Levi and Hange looked at them expectantly. I did not know where to look - definitely not at Eren.

"She and you looked happy dancing together the whole time…" Hange pointed out.

"Well, I guess Mikasa was the only person you really knew and could dance with, right Eren?" He nodded. "Not to mention, these rich folk can be quite rude."

"Yes… Petra… That was it. Mikasa was the only person I could dance with…"

"What about Sasha?" Levi asked.

"She was either with food or Connie." Eren said.

"It's funny how you were in the same situation two years ago Levi." I said. Hopefully Levi picked up the "leave Eren alone." I was really telling him.

Hange laughed. "You two look like you should be in a relationship, anyway."

"She's generally not wrong." Levi muttered as he slid off my shoulder and fell onto my lap.

After we exited Sina, Levi turned to look at me. "Why do I call you Ral?" I gave him a look of 'huh?' as did everybody else. "Tch. If it changed to 'Ackermann', for example," There was a lot I almost said. "I would love it." "Not yet…" "Really?" "... It would be so much longer." What? My mind stopped imagining our wedding.

"So?" Hange blurted out.

"I don't know." Levi replied. "Ral is a good name."

"Your nicknames don't really make sense anyway." I mused. I mean really? How was Eren the brat? Or Hange 'shitty glasses'? And why was I Ral?

"Tch. Whatever." Levi rolled back. "Good night." He mumbled. He was quite tired and I was surprised he didn't sleep earlier.

"Eren…" Mikasa began a while later. "Do you love me?"

"...Love?..." Both of them were a shade of pink. Hange was about to say something, but I gave her a look to stop her.

"As a girlfriend…"

"Girlfriend…." Eren was not going to make this easy - he was too uneasy. I knew I could only watch - I wasn't really supposed to be there.

"Could we be like Heicho and Petra?" I blushed at the fact that our relationship was the example she chose, that we were the role models in Mikasa's mind. Retrospectively, we are the only couple Mikasa had really dealt with recently.

Eren looked utterly confused and didn't know what to say. "Don't hide it." I said, breaking the silence. "Not knowing hurts the most."

"I love you, Mikasa." Eren finally said, so quietly I doubt Hange heard.

"THIS IS AWESOME!" Hange erupted.

Mikasa slumped onto Eren and they were enjoying each other's presence, I guess. Levi stirred. "What the fuck?"

"EREN AND MIKASA ARE DATING!" I'm pretty sure the people back in the hall could have heard that.

"Great." Levi lay back down. "Don't be retarded about it."

"Retarded, Heicho?"

"Can even tell Petra and I are in a relationship?" Eren nodded a no. "Exactly, keep it similar."

"Though, not that extreme." Hange finally calmed down. "I mean seriously? You two. You don't even make a mistake."

"Four years of practice." We both said.

The rest of the ride was quite quiet. It was a great way to end a great day, stroking Levi's hair as he slept on my lap.


	14. Suicide

8/10/904

Dear diary,

I don't know what to say.

I've let myself down. I've let Levi down. I've let everybody down.

How could I do this to them? How could I let myself?

This evening - a few hours ago, in fact, I tried to kill myself. Mikasa stopped me.

I almost forgot the commitment I have to everybody else. I need to live for two reasons: I need to live on for the kids and I need to make sure people know Levi as I did.

That is my purpose now. Purposes are not lifelong: I used to serve humanity then I served my family and now I also serve Levi's memory.

Levi agreed to a biography and I want to write one. I'm not quite sure how to start. I thought that starting it would help as I would have something to occupy myself with, but I guess I'm suffering from writer's block.

It was strange to hold the knife to myself like that. I must admit that I will never think of that knife in quite the same way.

I really hope Mikasa and I can forget that this ever happened.

I've been reading a few of the old entries and I couldn't help but laugh at how naive some of them are. Especially the ones from before I joined the corps - my, was I stupid!

I wonder if my parents are still up there watching me. I wonder if Levi has joined them. I must have quite the audience by now. I really hope they can forgive the last act.

Reading the old entries, I realized that my writing is growing sparse. The entry on Levi's death is way too short. Then again, I don't want to linger on sadness. This entry, I'll keep long by describing the world. Since the entry can't be filled with my actions (I have not acted much lately), I'll fill it with my observations.

The world is changing in crazy ways. I can't imagine old Trost outside my current window. There are more brick and stone buildings, replacing the wooden ones. The walls are there only physically and everybody goes into the outside world at least once a month.

The science is amazing. It's a pity Hange died during this era. Had she been alive she'd be flailing around like a wild animal. We recently made the first power plant since the titans. We have electricity publically available!

People are making these 'computer' things and it is difficult to follow exactly why they exist. This is more of a thing Armin pursues - he actually was involved with the first manufacture.

There are reports through the light system and the telegraphs of mountains and more oceans. Erwin's kids have reached another set of mountains to the East. The old maps place these as the Ural Mountain range. The South team has reached these things called the Pyramids of Giza - three tombs as tall as wall maria. I can't imagine what life will be like in the future.

The trains have reached old Hungary and Spain. The West group has begun crossing the Atlantic Ocean by boat. The North group has reached places of solid ice! I cannot imagine all that we missed within the walls. I feel sorry for all those who had to die before this.

The scientists have started researching a 'airplane.' This metal hulk is intended to fly and travel around the world within a day. I wonder how it must have felt for the first residents of the walls. How did they feel going from circumnavigating the globe to travelling across the 200km we enclosed inside the walls?

Queen Riess - I can't believe I knew her as Historia for a short time - has made a new government where the people can chose their ruler. There is no need for a violent conflict between humans anymore.

I feel great to say that I took part in this. I contributed to the success of the human race. I wore the wings and sacrificed like many others and all our efforts have come to this beauty.

And I wanted to kill myself. How could I be so stupid? I definitely have a purpose. I must record it all and remind the world of the sacrifice of the few for the sake of everybody. Maybe, unfortunately, the world will one day need to be reminded of us.

I hope that never happens.


	15. The end and the beginning

**_(A/N: This should be the only chapter with more than 1 entry. Also, I try things with to tone. Tell me what you think...)_**

12/23/920

Dear diary,

I've been thinking of the dead an awful lot lately. I'm not sure why. It's odd. Is it because I'm growing closer to them? I am 92. Most people hide the fact that they don't know how much longer I'd live on. Armin insists I go to a hospital, but I'm happy living on my own. Either way, I wonder what it is my mind's doing.

I read my first few entries as I recently found them in dad's things. I read all the entries where people died and realized that I have never truly let go. All I have done is pretend that one day the people will tell me how I did in their eyes. Till that day, I must work hard and earn their approval.

I realized that none of my entries should begin with "dear diary." The first ten years should all be "Dear Mum." The next 30 or so should be "Dear mum, Auro, Erd and Gunther." Then I should have added dad, then Hange, then Levi.

All this time, my entries have been open letters to the dead. I ask them things and I hope for a reply. Maybe I should send along an envelope. Maybe they are looking over my shoulder, laughing at my stupidity.

So, starting again:

Dear mum, dad, Auro, Erd, Gunther, members of the 109th squad, Hange and Levi,

I hope I have done all that I can. Do tell me anything I have not done. Most of all, do tell me any way in which I can improve.

I know this all sounds like I think I'm going to die soon. Honestly, I've been thinking that way for the last two years. I don't care when I die. I'll just observe and record all I can in the meantime.

I just hope I get to meet you and that heaven is a real (or realistic) thing.

I should write more about the world - it is a fun place. Maybe tomorrow.

12/25/920

Dear mum's diary,

Or as mum just suggested: dear mum's dead friends and lovers and family,

I just arrived from the world. I, Erwin Ackerman, am officially the first to circumnavigate the globe after the titans. I came back this morning and I.

I'll not describe the morning. It ended up with a teary eleven of us taking turns to read the last sixteen years we missed.

We all agreed to keep this short and two the point. There are two things we'd like to say.

Firstly, we hope, mum, that you are well up there and that you have all you need. If you don't, tell us and we'll find a way to make it better.

Secondly, we are happy to say that the biography has been approved and is in the presses. It will be released on the sixth of January next year.

With this I say goodbye. See you when it's my turn. I'll tell you all about the last 16 years.

Also, dad, since you've probably been reading this, happy birthday.

2/9/840

Dear diary,

I don't know how to write one of these.

Most people write about their days. I wonder if they introduce themselves. I'm Petra Ral and I'm 12.

My life is bad. Mum died today and told me to write a diary.

That's all that happened.

I saw the survey corps people come in as always, so I went to the street. Mum wasn't in her usual place.

I looked around for her. I found a medic cart and she was on it. She told me to keep a diary. There was blood everywhere. The doctor told me to stay away, but I did not leave. Mum died soon after.

I hope I do a good job of the diary. I hope I do everything she wanted me to. I wonder what that is. Dad says mum wanted me to do whatever I want, just well.

What do I want to do? I don't know.


	16. To get to Training

2/9/841

Dear diary,

I think I know what I want to do. At school today, somebody brought in an illegal book. It had everything about the mountains and seas and the world beyond the walls. Everybody read some of the book and I found it very cool.

Then, the teacher found out. Some people from the garrison regiment came to get the book. There was a bold man who was called captain Plixis.

Plixis took the book and asked us: "So what did you guys learn?"

"We should not go out of the walls exploring." Everybody said.

I did not join them. Captain Plixis noticed, probably because I was in the front of the classroom. "Young lady, do you not agree?"

"I think we should try to go out of the walls, sir."

I don't know what Captain Plixis really thought, but I don't think he really minded. He took the book.

I think that's what I want to do - go and explore the world, see the mountains and the sea. Maybe I'll join the survey corps like mum did.

Speaking of mum, we visited her grave today. I told her what I thought I would do. I hope she's proud.

The rest of the day was normal. I'm so happy I know what I'll do.

7/21/842

Dear diary,

Tomorrow I'll leave for training. I can't believe dad said yes! He said he heard me tell mum about my dream last year and knew I'd ask him at some point. He was unhappy that I told him so late, but he said yes anyway.

I was so nervous asking him. I froze as if I was on top of one of those mountains.

I got all my things packed and ready and I can't wait to go to train. Dad says it will be difficult. "But you've got your mum in you anyway. You'll be fine." he said.

I don't know how training will be. Apparently many people don't make it. I hope I make it. I really want to see the mountains.

It was the last day at school and I told everybody what I was doing. Everybody thought I was crazy and did not understand. Nobody else's parents were in the military, so it made sense.

The studies are fine, not that we did any work.

I look forward to tomorrow. It's going to be one hell of a summer.

_(A/N: yes this is more than one entry. But they're so short! Young Petra was a lazy writer.)_


	17. Injury

7/9/853

Dear Petra's Diary,

This is Levi. Petra asked me to write here for two reasons: that I experience writing in a diary and that you (the diary) get to know what happened over the past four days.

On the fifth there was an expedition to explore the nearby caves. The operation went very well. We found that these caves could hold regiments for future advances and were quite easily defended.

That aside (Petra does not appear to divulge military data), Petra was injured in this mission. We have been trying to perfect the through-the-mouth kill, but it's evidently flawed: Petra tried this on a titan, as I watched. From the back of the titan, I saw a glint of metal. Petra sliced through and hit another soldier trying to kill the titan. The hit did not end well - Petra was cut from the top of her right shoulder to her left waist and her left hand was almost off. I rushed over to find, as before, blood under her and her green jacket covering the worst of the mess. That changed quickly as she rolled over. There was a mess - red everywhere and her uniform ruined. She moaned.

"Levi, did I serve humanity well?" She whispered.

"You're not dying! Shift! You can serve humanity for longer, dumbass!" I was too sick with grief to know if that's exactly what I said (apparently I fit 'fuck' or 'fucking' in there a few times).

"I can't shift… I…"

"You need a fucking purpose!" I looked around. "Make it your life or something."

"I will live and kill the titans!" She gasped with the last of her energy. Then, the explosion threw me backwards.

Petra became a 5m class. It suited her height, but may have more to do with the fact that she ate Ymir. The titan ran around killing its enemy. (I still can't think of that titan as Petra - it feels wrong.)

A few hours later, all the titans were somehow killed. We made it back once Petra's form failed her. She was asleep with exhaustion and completely healed.

Two days later, to my relief, she woke up. Then she was forced to rest for three more days (research with Eren suggested this to be optimal, but with two days, Petra could probably kick that brat's ass).

Then she forced me to report. I have decided, through no fault of yours, not to maintain a diary - Petra sort of writes it for me anyway.


End file.
